Love is Watching Someone Die

"And it came to me then,
that every plan,
is a tiny prayer to father time.

As I stared at my shoes,
In the ICU- that wreaked of piss and 409.

And i ration my breath, as I say to myself that I've already taken too much today.
As each descending peak, on the LCD took you a littler farther away from me..." DCFC

I can't keep from having those words crash into my brain over and over...God I hope my brother gets better, I cant deal with losing another person in my life.
Sorry if this was depressing, that's what it is.

((insert clever thought here))

1. I am a 21 year old girl who goes to the University of Utah, and I'm proud of it.
2. I speak spanish, but enjoy throwing in made-up words to make me sound better.
3. I love the smell of campfires, in the air-not on my clothes or in my hair.
4. I have been known to stop for green lights.
5. I'm probably the most distracted person you know... It's not you, it's me.
6. I believe small man syndrome is an epidemic.
7. I have two sides, a girly side who likes make-up, nails, and looking fabulous... Then another side who can shoot a gun and ride a dirt bike.
8. I have little tolerance for people who enjoy drama, and who insist on making me part of it...
9. I am a texting machine
10. I have a lot of friends, but only a couple that I am real close to... Its an exclusive club.
11. I randomly think of funny things to say throughout the day.
12. I don't listen to weird music, you do.
13. I only talk when I have something to say. This can easily be mistaken for shyness or being stuck-up.
14. My friends and family made me who I am today.
15. I buy anything with a star on it.
16. Black and red are my favorite colors.
17. If I was a Barbie, I'd be keg stand Barbie... Or I would be break-up Barbie- Who comes with all of Ken's accessories..
18. We're perfect for eachother
19. Yes- I am a career student. No- I don't like it.
20. There is a bud-light in the fridge calling to me... Ignore it Steph.
21. I am a firm believer in the "snow should only last between Thanksgiving and New Years" theory...
22. (insert clever thought here)
23. Twenty-Three is my favorite number... LOOOVE it for some reason.

The Walk of Shame

ALL NAMES AND REFERENCES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THOSE... RESPONSIBLE hahahhaha (JK!)
So.. I'm not perfect. I make dumb choices, decisions, and sometimes create situations in which I only further complicate my life...PHEW, thats out of the way.. With that preface, this is probably my biggest stupid ass moment.. Being young and dumb isn't always what it's chalked up to be... September of '06, I'm 19, and at this point, really didn't have much concern for boyfriends or the relationships pertaining to boyfriends.. Why all the sudden did that change!!??? WHY?!?!
So... I meet a guy, we'll just call him "dumb fucker" or DF for short. DF and I meet while I'm on a boating trip with my friend and her entire family. I was feeling a little out of place, or shy because I only knew one of them and in all truth, there really wasn't room for me on their boat full of kids, so I stayed behind on the beach with my friend's husband who was sleeping in the trailer. A couple hours after sneakily CHUGGING 5 or 6 of the "Purple Passion" drinks, I was beginning to run out of "solo beach activities", given that I was low on oil and the weekend had only just begun. Plus it was hot... I was about ready to retreat to the trailer when a boat came around the bend. I had known DF was going to be there, just not at our camp. They beached the boat and came up on shore. DF walked in the trailer where "the husband" was awake. We hadn't really exchanged words yet, I was sitting on a chair outside the trailer door looking the other way. I heard them talking, then my friend's hubby walked out the door and sat by me.. It was about five minutes before DF emerged. Do you know the saying "don't judge a book by it's cover"? Well I was really trying. How about the saying "you can tell a lot about a person by the first words they say"? Well DF emerged from the trailer somewhat fanning his ass. The words that came out of his mouth were "geeeezzz-USS!!! don't go in there WHHEEEEEEW". I smiled, but secretly was embarrassed at myself for some reason. I was forced to laugh a little, but my sympathy laughter came to an abrupt halt when I saw the concern on my friends husbands face-who apparently had caught the fact that the fan wasn't going...
I left the camp with them, the boat looked nice at this point, and the Half Gallon of Jager looked even better... We had a really good time actually. Nice crowd, fun people, and surprise- I was drunk. The next day I walked the 15 minute walk down the beach to my friend's camp.. I was innocent, but everyone looked at me with a smirk on their face... The whole way back i couldnt quit thinking "walk of shame" and later patented the saying. This walk will be forever the original "walk of shame"
I ended up staying mostly over at DF's camp, and at the end of the weekend, we exchanged numbers and that was that.. A year and a half later my mistake ended. Actually it had been over for much longer than that.
Not all was bad, but I'm glad it happened... and I'm glad it ended... for me--

*&@#&%

Have you ever wanted to just explode and tell what only you know!!?? Where every time you are around someone you just wanna grab a megaphone and yell it at them from inches in front of their face?

Where is the fun in huge secrets? I don't understand the logic at times.

My Love/Hate Relationship With Bud Light

So.... As anyone who knows me would know, I have an uncanny love for beer. Hard alcohol is quite less appealing to me, but every once in a while i can venture... But beer, different story...  

As I recall, in my younger years, the taste of a Budweiser was something that instantly made me get a look on my face like "Why?" before booking it to the nearest sink. So my question is what happened? I don't really remember a transitioning period between that and keg stands.

In saying that, my love/hate relationship with beer is thus born. I find myself, on a Friday night, having a hard time resisting the cold Bud Light being passed in front of my face by my less sympathetic boyfriend. Once I open it though, i don't have a hard time drinking 2... or 12. Thus, beginning, and ending my "love" side of the relationship. 

Beer is a must at any concert, night out, or evening event. Me, normally being a shy natured person, can typically end up being a bit too un-shy after consuming 3-4 pitchers. This can go both ways on the scale of love/hate given that I instantly gain the, "Stephanie Hamilton, PHD" title added to my name. I can sometimes also gain the "Stephanie Hamilton, Stubborn Ass" title, which can be easily as detrimental.

The morning after drinking beer... usually a different story. I sometimes lie awake at 6 A.M. kicking my own ass, typically for things that I shouldn't ever worry about, and tend to not once the hangover wears off. I also find myself kicking my ass for things I should worry about, like screwing up all the calories I lost at the gym by consuming 3 beer bongs  in 20 minutes, or telling someone my whole life story, usually with the "don't repeat this" speech at the end. 

While knowing I am far from an alcoholic, and that I usually pace myself and limit myself to only a buzz, there are still some of those nights that I can make really really stupid choices. That said, I VERY RARELY go into a party with the "lets get crunk" mentality. But noone's perfect...